Brittnay’s Corner: When He’s Just Not Ready (The Best Relationship Advice EVER!)

Alright ladies, listen up because I’m about to give you the game like it was given to me! This one’s by popular demand…

When your man says, “I’m not really ready for a relationship, or a committment; or to have babies, or to move in with you right now,” BELIEVE HIM THE FIRST TIME!!!

And for some of you, his words may say one thing, but if his actions show the opposite, BELIEVE HIS ACTIONS THE FIRST TIME!

It’s not that he’s  a bad person, or that he’s necessarily being selfish or unfair. In fact, if he has already said this to you, or shown you this with his actions (by becoming distant, cheating, procrastinating, etc…), you should literally THANK HIM for providing you with such priceless information (You know, kinda like what Beyonce said in “Best Thing I Never Had”…

Thank God you blew it

and thank God I dodged a bullet…

Baby good looking out)

I almost always cringe when I hear women or young girls make statements like, ” he’s said he’s not ready, but we’re going work on that”… or “he’s stubborn, but we’ll fix that”… or “he’s not REALLY selfish (even though he confessed this casually), he’s just saying that.” Girl, in the wise words of the great Maya Angelou,

“My Dear, why must it take you 29 times?? When people tell/show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

You too can dodge a bullet with that kind of  information once YOU decide whether you will spend your days trying so hard to convince HIM that HE IS WRONG about WHO HE IS and where HE IS along HIS OWN JOURNEY.[PAUSE] Wait, what?  How foolish does that sound?! Yet, unfortunately many women fall into this category. Yes, WOMEN TEND TO CREATE HELL for themselves when they try to convince men that they know men better than men know themselves. NO-YOU-DON’T! Ladies, you only to set yourselves up for hurt and pain when that person acts out of what they’ve ALREADY told or SHOWED you THE FIRST time. And as the saying goes:

Fool me once, shame on you (but not really because you already showed or told me, but I told myself that I could fix it)

Fool me twice, shame on ME! (Indeed!)

He’s being who he is for the time being (that is, until life causes him to make different decisions, NOT YOU). And perhaps he is showing you that his journey is pulling him in another direction, but you choose not to believe him. Oh but wait, it gets better! Then, we ultimately blame our choices on LOVE. Honey, that’s NOT love! That is what you call delusional LUST (as you mature and experience REAL love– like the unconditional love that you have for your mom, dad, sister, brother– you’ll see). Love is patient, love is kind, its unconditional and  it does not demand that someone be anything other than the perfectly imperfect being that GOD himself created (read Corinthians 1:13 KJV to get the scoop on LOVE) . Therefore, there should be nothing for you to even want to fix if you’re with someone who wants what you want out of life. The better choice would be to choose someone who wants what you want out of a relationship and life. As Dr. Patricia Allen puts it, its much harder to get rid of the wrong one than it is to attract the right one. And everyone deserves someone who will not try to change them or change their mind, but accept them as as good enough right where they stand. #POW

By nature, predominantly masculine people are hunters. And just as divine wisdom has pointed out, “When a MAN FINDS a wife, HE finds a good thing.” Never once did it say that she must convince him that she is worthy, nor did it say that she must guilt him into being ready to make her his wife, or baby’s momma, or roommate, or business partner, etc… When it comes to matters of this nature, patience and being decisive about what you will and will not tolerate will be your best friends. And no amount of sex, or buying him Jordan’s, and or playing house, or playing his momma will convince him otherwise (remember, it was NEVER your job to convince him to begin with. He always finds his “good thing” ON HIS OWN DAMN TIME). And another thing, no man likes feeling pressured into anything, especially not by his woman. Your relationship will evolve into unnecessary drama, and you will for sure push your masculine energy companion away from you, and  into relations with those or someone who do understand if you don’t get this point that I’m making.

But when you take his words or actions as his current truth, you can choose to make everyone’s life a lot easier, and especially DRAMA FREE! In thriving relationships, decisions should be made by communicating and coming to agreement, not by guilt, deceit, or force. If what you want is worth having, then you will be patient enough to wait for it and not force it. But he has to feel like it’s a choice that he made for himself, or he will grow to resent you and possibly everything surrounding whatever decision you are trying to convince him of (that goes for marriage, babies, apartment leases, business deals, and YOU.) And that could get U-G-L-Y! Trust me. And if you don’t believe me, just ask your daddy. Lol

When your masculine energy companion is ready, his actions or words (or both) will go something like Levert’s “Baby I’m Ready” song. Check out a few of the lyrics and the song below. (When he plays this song for you, you’ll KNOW its REAL)

Baby I’m ready, to give you all of my love, (All of my love)
Girl I’m tired of playin’ games,
so many girls I can’t even name.
Baby I’m ready(Baby I’m ready), to give you all of my love,
Baby not just a little bit,
I wanna give you all of it.

For more about this whole “masculine energy” thing, check out the extra info within this post below.

In her bestselling psychology-based relationship guide “Getting to I Do”, Dr. Patricia Allen discusses the idea of yin and yang, or masculine and feminine energies. She explains that both energies are something that every human being possesses, however, we all tend to express one more dominantly than the other. She also says that in every human interaction/relationship, only opposites can co-exist if there is to be harmonious balance. In addition, she breaks down the traits of each energy to two basic opposites:

Feminine Energy: is the primary “feeler” in the relationship. They are more concerned with being cherished, having his/her feelings acknowledged and receiving affection.  When feelings and attention are given, a feminine energy person feels respected. A feminine energy person cannot stay with a mate he or she does not respect.

Masculine Energy:  tend to be the director or “thinker” in the relationship.  If asked the question: “Would you rather be respected or adored and cherished?’ a masculine energy person will prefer to be respected. What a masculine energy person THINKS is far more important to them than how he/she feels. A masculine energy person cannot stay with a mate that does not respect his/her thoughts.

If you want your relationships to have an opportunity to thrive, read the book and understand the role that you predominantly play in your relationship, and how you can best interact with your energy’s opposite.